1. Halle Berry is a beautiful woman. That dress, designed apparently by Tron himself, made her look like she had a pot belly. I doubt she does. And hasn't she worn that very same dress before? Stacy Kebler wore a similar dress but didn't have the belly. You could do that too, Halle!
2. Reese Witherspoon: girl, fire your stylist RIGHT NOW. That shapeless blue tube made you look positively like a 25 lb sack of Idaho's finest russet potatoes. It made you look even more shapeless that you are. There were plenty of big ladies and ladies with less to play up that looked a thousand times better than you in that hideous blue bag (Queen Latifah? Adele?). Really. Recent baby? A few extra pounds? Whatever! You are paid to be an icon of our fevered dreams: live up to it. Her 13 year old daughter picked it? It shows! The little black insets trying to give you some shape? Desperation!
3. Anne Hathaway looked sweet in that pink backless dress. Very pretty and the color was good on her. I liked it darts and all.
4. Adele pulled off what Reese Witherspoon cant: looking fabulous while non-classically shaped. Her glamorous eyes and big poofy hair was stupendous.
5. Jennifer Lawrence's dress looks like something people used to use to hide that extra roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. She tripped on it; could be adorable but could also mean that these children that pass for today's adults have little to no experience in the finer points of being grown-ups. Compare and contrast to Meryl Streep's response to stepping on her dress.
6. Jessica Chastain: showed up in her own skin pulled loose. She needs color. Awful.
7. Charlize Theron was fantastic. Not a misstep here! The aggressive hair, the perfect shape-enhancing peplum with sequins on it, the cut of the skirt with the perfect glamorous little tail: WIN. Her sumptuous bare skin was on display except for some diamonds wrapped around her wrist. Her make-up was right for the outfit and enhanced her look without being glommed on. A+.
8. Jennifer Garner was sweet but boring. Nice necklace.
9. Helen Hunt wore a blue fitted strapless dress that shows that it can be done nicely. Are you paying attention, Reese? And apparently, Helen's dress came from H and M! The color was great on her. Yeah it had some wrinkles but who cares? She looked great and showed us little people that we can look glamorous without mortgaging the house. Yay Helen!
10. Quvanzhane Wallis put Reese to shame in her little blue outfit and puppy-dog purse. She looked totally sweet, like the little princess inheritor to all this nonsense. Pay attention to Charlize, little Q and you will do alright. I loved how excited she was during the ceremony as well. I hope she has a long and happy career, if that is what she wants.
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