The Cranky Fashionista

Hello!
I've been gone a while. After that incredibly hard year of not buying anything new, I'm back with a vengeance.

So. I don't typically wear much make-up, but I have to have stock on hand in case I need to pull a professional or tidy look out on short notice. To this end, I went to the mall after perusing the internet with some ideas in mind as to what I wanted to try. On the top of my list was a Clinique lipstick called "Black Honey". It is in a class of lipstick called "almost lipstick" or something. Its very dark colored, but quite sheer and everyone online is raving about it.

So I show up at the Clinique counter and am greeted, well not really, by a very young woman who sees me coming and grabs her water bottle. I smile in what I hope is a friendly fashion.

Me: Hi! I have some questions about this lipstick.
Young lady: OK!
Me: Does it feather, or bleed?
Girl: It's very sheer (she rubs it on her hand)
Me: I see its very sheer, and such a nice color. Does it bleed or feather?
child: (Quizzical look) Its very sheer.

So I bought it. The force of her argument was overwhelming. And guess what, ladies? It bleeds to beat hell. Makes my mouth look like a horror show. Darkens up the lines in my lips and runs off all around my mouth. Looks l
ike I just ate the still beating bloody heart that I tore out of the chest of a toddler Clinique employee.

So I also bought some very nice foundation from MAC and some concealer. The helpful young lady at the MAC counter tried two different shades on concealer on, and one was much better than the other. After I paid I said "does this look ok? I am going to walk around the mall" and the girl said, "Oh god no you need to take the one concealer off" and she handed me a make-up wipe.  Thank goodness for honesty.

Anyway. Clinique Black Honey almost lipstick. For young girls with plump lips only. Or for Honey Badgers.

Almost Lipstick

Hag lips. Dont let this happen to you!

Finally done. I did it!

I did it. I went the whole years wearing only unique combinations of shirts and bottoms that were present in my closet on 1 January. I only messed up twice, back in January. It was kind of hard, and kind of...freeing? to not have to worry about my clothes but I must say I got really tired of my frumpy clothes. And...the flood gates opened as of this week. I bought lots of nice new things including a pair of really comfortable Frye boots that I may never take off again. What did I learn? I learned that some combinations may surprise you in looking really good, and some combinations...not so much. I will try to be more adventuresome in the future. I may log on later to wax philosophical about all this but as its New Years Eve I have to go.
Next year's Resolution? I may have to think that through alittle more carefully.

Happy 2014, everyone!!

Christmas elf

All green and red. Wearing a christmas lights necklace. For another work holiday party. This party is my favorite work tradition: the holiday potluck. Some folks are really good cooks!

David Sedaris got nuthin on me

Holiday attire

Or what passes for it. We had a Holiday Lunch at work today. I think this looks Christmas-y, if not fancy. That sweater came from Stockholm. I was sent there in January to do a clinical site training in 1995. It was colder than I expected so I ponied up the big bucks for the garb worn by the locals. Its dark there, too. Sun comes up at about 10:30 and sets at 2. It never gets bright. No wonder they drink. And kill themselves. Merry, merry.

Ho ho ho. Who you callin' a ho?

Slouching towards the finish line

December. It has been cold. And I broke my ankle on the 2nd when jogging off some extra pecan pie. The world contains really good people who are there for you in disasters. I am so grateful to the two guys who stopped and helped me.
So now I am trying to integrate this big black plastic and velco footwear into my wardrobe. How am I doing?

Hopalong Harding!

Holy crap when will this ever end?

November done; off into the last month of this.
Confession: I bought a shirt and a pair of pants off of Gilt. They were 40% off. How could I resist??? I will not wear them until next month except to try them on. Might have to go back: mail order pants are always a problem. So I am still in line with the letter, if not the spirit, of my new years resolution.
Speaking of pants I went to the doctor for the annual check up and have officially gained 10 lbs. Do you feel me? 10 pounds! That's why I have retired the blue jeans and the brown cords. It is unsee,ly for an old bag such as I to be toddling around with Camel Hooves. So I went into the depths of my closet and drew forth a pair of Eli Tahari dress pants. Straight leg dark brown wool. Very seemly.
I also pulled out some shirts. All of this stuff is from the closet. Now you know, dear reader, that I have much too much stuff in my closet.

I am really looking forward to throwing this worn out stuff away and refreshing my sad closet. I no longer feel that I haven't gotten my money's worth out of these items. I have gotten that and more.

putting something on....

Remember my post about getting dressed versus putting something on? Here I am, reduced to putting something on. I spend an inordinate amount of time shopping online these days, putting selected items into my shopping cart then shutting the site. I can't wait until after christmas when the sales all start and I can buy a bunch of replacements for the awful stuff in my closet. I have started slowly throwing stuff out, and have "grown out" of at least two pairs of pants this year. I am dying for a pair of nicely fitted pants with a leather stripe down one side; some new sweaters without pills all over them, a large silk shirt to wear with new pants. Man alive.

Just for funsies I took a picture of myself in front of the full length mirror in the (ahem) ladies locker room at my workplace fitness club. That's the red pants shot below. Ya know, the full length mirror I pose in front of at home is a free-standing one and it tilts backwards. I suspect that because of the angle it tilts at it makes my butt look bigger than it actually is! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. That, or the fitness club mirrors are angles to make you look good in order to prop up self esteem. Because let's face it: the women's locker room is a horror show. All false pretense fades away.

Anyway. Wearing a dress today. Thanksgiving and Hanukkah tomorrow on the same day. Then December and I can get this whole thing over. Yay!

looking good here. Why?



big ass big boots you cant see



Sister's birthday!

Today is my little sister's birthday. We are both middle aged women now so it feels weird to refer to her as my "little" sister. But truth told she is little and petite and was always and still is "the pretty sister". Burns me up. You know, like Taming of the Shrew? In order for the beautiful little sister to get married they have to foist the battle ax older sister off on some unsuspecting man? Yeah, that's me. Old battle ax. But it's OK! I'm OVER IT now! I'm "vivacious"! Fuck that.

Anyway I love my little sister dearly, her being petite and beautiful notwithstanding. I hope she's having a great day at work over at the USGS (oh did I mention that she's a damned Geophysicist? So brilliant as well as lovely?) and I hope she likes the cookies I dropped off for her.

Here is what I wore on this auspicious day. When I got to work I wrapped a colorful vintage scarf around my neck to keep warm and add color.

Battle ax ready to do damage

Maybe I can get back to Oz in these shoes

"there's no place like Oz, there's no place like Oz..."

I can see my underwear!

I didn't wear this before but it looks like it

I had my silk Classiques cross-over top on last time. Today, its a long sleeve Tahari t-shirt. I know these things because I have a database that keeps track of stuff.

Am I smiling, or am I like a baby: passing gas? Probably passing gas.

Christmas is coming and I have been to the mall with my sister. I bought a pair of glittery gold flats that will soon show up here. Shoes and outerwear were excluded from the deal. Ha! Anyway, I have my eye on stuff that I want. I went and tried on a bunch of stuff I thought I wanted and discovered that they fit poorly. That saves me quite a bit. Once pants fit around the waist they are baggy on the legs. Fit the legs = too tight around my floppy waist. I think this has something to do with middle age, and is why some companies specialize in middle aged clothing. I think its also the reason (along with arthritis) that old lady pants tend to have elastic waists. But I will die before I shop at Chico or Coldwater Creek. No. Will starve myself to death first.

My sister told me my selfies were terrible. Now I am self-conscious.

Grimace

Hair dye. October finished. My big ass is a good thing.

It makes me sad to realize that most of my female compatriots at work dye their hair. Even the ones with a healthy distain for fashion. It belies insecurity that I was not aware that these amazonian women at my workplace, the biotech survivor warriors of 5 or more downsizings, "doing more with less", and vicious aggressive white male bosses possessed. That they have stood strong in the face of this relentless battering, but cower at the sight of a grey hair, is profoundly disturbing to me.

Here is October. I have added some sweaters. The J Crew cashmere turtle neck is really shabby. It is completely covered with pills but its warm. Target sweater is also shabby, and purple Martin and Osa is from a chain started by Gap, I think (Fourth and Towne?) that was aimed at middle aged women. It failed. Because all us middle-aged women are in denial right up to the elastic waist pants and flower printed sweatshirts that mark "old age". OMG I look frumpy in these shirts.

I have a new lady boss at work (probably dyes her hair) who while possibly younger than me dresses very conservatively. But she probably thinks I'm insane. These combos look terrible.

Finally, there was a study published recently is the International Journal of Obesity showing that women with big cabooses were healthier, and had smarter kids, than their narrow-assed compatriots. Here is a link to the abstract if you don't believe me (I don't see the smarter kid thing here. I read that else where. Something to do with Omega-3 fatty acids during pregnancy or something):
http://www.nature.com/ijo/journal/v34/n6/abs/ijo2009286a.html

 

That big ass means I will live forever

Mi gusta flowery shirt

It's the Real Me.

It's my Nature...

Accidental Dress Week

When I compile the database for your viewing pleasure, I take the tracking documents in to work and during my free time, I updat and post. After updating for September I accidentally left my tracking documents at work. Therefore I could not accurately put together novel top/bottom combinations. I arrived at the solution: the return of Dress Week.

As you can see some of this stuff is OK and some of it is pretty terrible. The nadir was the cool Fall day when I determined that I needed to wear a pair of cotton knee-highs with my clogs. With the long Eileen Fisher linen dress

 Here they are: Because all other shoes wouldn't work. Sometimes you just have to go with whatever works at the moment.

Below is the Dr Seuss shirt. Dubbed as such by my well meaning boss.

This combo not too bad, either

What was I thinking?

The Michelle Obama skirt

This combo not too bad

The man that enters his wife's dressing room is either a philosopher or a fool

Balzac, right? Its all about women's artifice, and the effort we put in to construct the facade each day. Yes, I'm talking about foundation undegarments. Well that and all the other stuff we do. I'm pretty open minded about a lot of things but I do not like having my significants see me shaving, plucking, polishing, clipping. I wonder why? Is it a vestige of that creation of artifice? I don't want spousy to know that I'm less than perfect? I think he knows it, but we continue to play along. The response that it's "disgusting" belies how deeply this idea has permeated our thinking.

In addition, I engage in the artifice and the result is what you see here. It takes quite a bit of attention to detail to acheive this level of mediocrity. So why bother? All the ladies I know undergo various levels of grooming, most more than I do, and most of us are only managing to keep our appearances just under the average curve. Seems like a lot of work for a ho-hum result. On the other hand I operate under the delusion that I am the Queen of Sheba as I apply my Jergen's. Maybe that's what its about. Self-soothing behaviour.

Anyway here is September.

And here was my scarf trouble this morning:
You can probably tell by my expression which one I went with. I am a trained biologist after all and nothing warms my heart like frogs, bugs, critters and pretty flowers.

 

 

plain



brightly colored



bugs!
 

Can you sense the desperation?

Running out of wearable combos. It is starting to get cool again. I will dig out more sweaters soon.

why does this make me look fat?

Little red cords! Little red cords!

How I love my little red corderoy pants. Here they are as part of my aged hippy get-up. So glad that its Fall and I can wear them with alacrity.

making this look good!

No I am not wearing the curtains.

Aging hippy chick

I got this aging hippy chick aesthetic down cold. Far out, and solid!
I hope I'm doing it gracefully. And tastefully.

Groovy

Somehow, aging hippy seems more respectable than aging punk. Hippy comes naturally, but so does ADB. Hippy punk? Is there any such thing?

Sweater issues

I have worn the crap out of my sweaters this year. They are starting to get tatty. And this morning I was faced with a dilemma: which of my dirty tatty sweaters pairs best with my colorful Milly shirt?

 
Here is where I started. Milly silk tie-neck blouse with Eli Tahari cotton tan trousers. It is a frozen wasteland in my building (in more ways than the literal) so I need a sweater. I think a bright cherry red sweater might work but I don't have one. Tan sweater? No. I have a white sweater that works well with this top but that would be a white sweater with tan pants...subtract liveliness from my already dour demeanor and folks might not even see me.
 Green!

















Maybe not. Ai yi yi. I like this green sweater because it has a wildly patterned silk lining which is cool and unexpected. But it looks godawful with this shirt and if someone sees the lining in conjunction with the patterned shirt they might have a seizure. Safety first.
Black!

Ho hum. I guess this will do even though this ancient sweater that I got off of eBay when eBay was something new, cool, and useful has a big hole in it.
Really. That's it. This is what I wore to work.
I must say the outfit looks best without any sweater at all.

Everybody panic!

So this Sunday, Philip Lim for Target went on sale. I was very excited because I like Philip Lim and I was delighted at the prospect of getting some of his nice designs in washable polyester for 30 bucks. BUT THEN: I remembered this blog. I remembered my New Year's Resolution. I had a vicious argument with myself all day on Saturday. "But it's Philip Lim!" "But you promised!" "Jackets weren't included!"

It was kind of funny. I grimly set about refreshing my browser into the wee hours, hoping to get access to the Target site at 9 pm PST ("it's midnight EST!") to no avail. By using some fancy internet footwork (ahem) I was able to load the leather jacket into my shopping cart at about 10 pm. However I did not pull the trigger on it as I was worried about sizes. By 7 am on Sunday, when I woke up, all of the tuxedo jacket and pants were sold out. In fact, they were listed as sold out in the local stores even before the stores had opened. Interesting.

Later that same day I was at Target looking for gunea pig chow and lo and behold: there were some of the pieces from the Philip Lim collection! Not all the stuff, and the sizes had been pillaged. I grabbed a handful of things to look over and try on. And guess whay? Most of the pieces were meh. Quality was pretty good on most of the things. The classy draped dress was nicely made and is a possibility. The shirts were less so, and the only one I likes was the grey sparkle T shirt. Kind of disappointing, really. The pants were all long gone.

In the end I was true to my Resolution even though I walked right up to the brink. So no, I don't have stong enough willpower. I was stopped by my taste rather than my conscience. Hmmm. Not very flattering.

Next source of panic was from my beloved sister. My lovely, genius sister is blessed with great taste in clothes and plenty of money. Fortunately for me and my daughter, my sister often changes her mind about her clothes and sends articles down the line to us poor relations. She handed a set of shirts off to send to my daughter this Sunday, but I intercepted the one I have on today:

One handed!

This pretty shirt is from Joie. Its flowery silk (!) with multiple patterns and its sleeveless with a very high neckline at the shoulders.

Now: this is a hand me down so it doesn't count. Right? Right?

I will send all the other shirts to my daughter as intended. But I love this hippy dippy old woman thing that I have going on here. It's one of the real mes.

August done.

Getting there!

My clothing is starting to wear out and get too small (ahem).

One thing I have noticed is that by looking at the pictures from this blog, I can get a more objective sense of what works and what doesn't. In fact, I look back at some of thoses photos and I cringe. I wore that to work? Eeeeee.

It works the other way, too. I never thought that this great shirt would work with blue jeans but I think it looks perfectly acceptable from this photo:

My Scrabble cup "F" is backwards! My brain hurts!